This column is going to come as a rude awakening for the average 22 year old girl who thinks she’s just “one of the guys” and the 29 year old girl who spends all day at work on cat websites.

I'm too lazy to find some faggoty "Linsanity" LOLcat.

You know what the worst thing you can hear as a guy? “We are friends” from a girl that you are interested in dating. Ok wait.. “You have a small cock” or “You are a premature ejaculator” might actually win – but the bottom line is: It’s in the top 3 without a doubt. Here’s the thing: No guy wants to be friends with girls. Let me rephrase: No STRAIGHT guy wants to be friends with girls. Ever. Girls – you are not “one of the guys”. You do not have mostly guy friends – you have guys who haven’t figured out how to fuck you… yet. I know it’s great for your egos to think that you are so cool that guys would rather hang out with you at the mall instead of watching the Pens game with a bunch of other guys – but that’s a guy who has an agenda.

The only difference between that guy you’ve been friends with for 10 years and the guy you went to dinner with and blew in the parking lot last week? The dude you blew has better game than your “friend” of 10 years.

And again, NO guy wants to be in the “friend zone”.

Nothing like ending a date with a friendly hug and then speeding home to frantically jerk off.

Now, some guys get that “friend” vibe one time, and they are smart enough to chalk it up to experience, and move on. Some dumb fucks like me keep trying to “convince” the girl that maybe there is potential to be more than friends. Women can leave a guy hanging on with a lot of non-committal bullshit… sometimes for years. It really depends on how bad the guy wants the girl.

Speaking of: It IS ACCEPTABLE for women to answer a question with “YES” or “NO”. I promise. All of the “maybe”, “we’ll see”, “I’ll let you know”, “possibly”, “I’ll get back to you” nonsense is just a way for women to string guys along, and it needs to stop. It may be my biggest pet peeve on the planet.

Just stop. Seriously. If you are 22 and you just don’t fucking know any better: That’s fine. If you are approaching 30 and you can’t seem to figure out dating, you need to check your shit and evaluate why it is you can’t seem to find a stable relationship. Stop playing games, learn the value of better communication and compromise, and maybe guys will stick around long enough to actually love you. In the meantime, you better learn to love cats, because you are getting older every day. Your looks are fading. Your tits are sagging. Your ass is expanding. The bullshit you get away with at 21 you CAN NOT pull when you are 30, because thankfully (albeit slowly) men eventually learn not to tolerate the mind-fuck.

If you wonder why I don’t go out much anymore, and I haven’t dated in years: That’s why. I’m very happy not dealing with that nonsense, and being picky isn’t a bad thing. I’m not 22 anymore, either – so it’s not enough for me to try to hump everything that moves… anymore.

Take it home, Uncle John: