Women are going to make the greatest strides for equality when they realize that there are just certain bullshit things that men do that they shouldn’t WANT to be involved in.

This column will piss women off, and have several references to Caddyshack. I think I should get a free pass because of my strong defense of women’s reproductive rights, abortion, and overall gender equality. I love women. After all, this laundry isn’t going to wash itself! BOOYAH!

There are people (when I say people, I mean women) who are up in arms… AGAIN… over Augusta National not allowing women to become members. The simple response is, “Hey, it’s a private club. Fuck right off and make me a sammich.” The club is one of the most exclusive and secretive in the world, and happens to host one of the biggest golf tournaments of the year as well. The Masters is relevant again this year because Tiger Woods looks like he is going to not suck for the first time since his wife took a 9-iron to his face for banging half of the cute white women in Florida.

Stop it. Women are not equal. Women complain that they make 30% less in the workplace, claiming that it is a product of gender bias. In reality, it really is that women are not as aggressive during salary negotiations so they end up doing the same job for less money despite being equally qualified to a male counterpart. If I run a company and you are WILLING to do the same job for $35,000 that I would have to pay a man $50,000 for – That’s on you. I’ve said it before and in the words of the Immortal Hulk Hogan, “Everyone cuts their own deal, brother.”

Why do women WANT to go where they aren’t wanted? We aren’t talking about not being able to drink from the same water fountains – We are talking about a handful of PRIVATE establishments that have the right to admit whomever they want. If women were truly trying to be equal, they’d start their OWN club, and then not let men in. Guess how many men would complain about that? Go ahead, guess.

Look, I’ve belonged to country clubs, and women are annoying. First off, they are generally shitty golfers. They hit the ball 50 yards at a time, slow down the entire course, and screw up not just their group, but the next five groups behind them who now have to wait for Muriel to find her ball that she duffed into the bush off the fairway. No, that is not a double entendre, but it fucking should be. Second off, let’s stop all of the overly politically correct bullshit. I know, politicians have to condemn The Masters for being exclusionary. Let me ask you this: Do you think Mitt Romney REALLY wants women to be admitted to Augusta? Mitt Romney is EXACTLY the guy hanging out in the clubhouse there. Women – you want to hang with Mitt?


You know who gets it? Strippers. Men are stupid, slobbering idiots who are easily distracted by boobs and shiny objects. If you want power, exploit that. Get paid – then join your own damn country club where you and a bunch of hot stripper friends can get mani/pedi’s and laugh about all of the money you’ve milked out of unsuspecting middle-aged men while you sip margarita’s by the pool. If you want to make out, maybe have some sort of poolside pillow fight with your friends, that’s fine too. I’ll just be over here… Sitting quietly and not interrupting. Unless you need me for anything, that is…

MEN did not invent human resources. if women weren’t working, there wouldn’t be any problems at all. Now women are in the workplace, and DON’T YOU DARE stare at her low-cut blouse, because it could now cost you your entire career. It’s a byproduct of the whole women in the workplace thing, and it stinks. Women are just as guilty (if not moreso) of flirting in the office, causing drama, breaking up marriages, and when things don’t go their way it’s easy to run to HR and cause a bigger problem. That’s not power – That’s a bitch move.

I’m not saying that women should be objectified in the workplace, or be inappropriately touched or groped. What I’m saying is Tom Brady rules:


Ladies – Pick your battles. Why do you want to go hang out with a bunch of gross old white guys? I’m a pretty progressive guy, and generally very socially liberal. I HATE all of the ways that groups segregate themselves in this society right now. If you want to claim that the Trayvon Martin case is racially motivated, I can accept that position. I’d give a LOT more credibility if EVERY SINGLE advocate for the case coincidentally wasn’t black. I’ve made this case before: I’m one of the best advocates for gay and lesbian rights around, and it is because I am a straight man. Of COURSE black people have to speak out on the Trayvon Martin case. Let’s not forget that black people also spoke out supporting OJ Simpson when he ALLEGEDLY killed his wife. Michael Jackson is a creepy pedophile? No way man, he made “Thriller”.


That’s my Robert. Always peeing on people. Don’t forget her hair!

I don’t want to get off on a tangent here, but the point is that SOME exclusion is good. Let the creepy white guys have their club. If you want equal rights as women, you have to act like you don’t give a shit about being left out of a private event. I’m not pissed off that girls won’t respond to my e-mails on JDate, or that I don’t fit in when I roll my fat white ass into the Asian-fusion nightclub. You know why? I know i don’t belong there.

Gunga...

Just let it go…

Walk away…

And while you are up, can you grab me a beer?