This column is always brutally honest. If you were honest with yourself while reading it, you’d agree. You want honesty? Ask your man if he wants to have a threesome with you and Katy Perry. If he says no, he’s a fucking liar and now you know what you are dealing with.

Guess which “part of me” I’d like to give you?

I mean, he might be gay, so I guess calling him a liar is a bit harsh.

A large part of society is made up of Lemmings who do and say what they are SUPPOSED to instead of what they WANT to. “Does my butt look big in these jeans?” – Every guy on the planet knows that even if his girlfriend is 400 pounds the correct answer is, “No honey, you look amazing in those jeans.”

… What if you refuse to be that guy?

… What if you refuse to lie about who you are, and what you want?

Well if you are a guy, it makes you look like a misogynistic pig most of the time. What do you mean you don’t want to go shoe shopping? What do you mean you’d rather sit at home and play Skyrim than come to my cousin’s t-ball game? What do you mean you think about having sex with other girls?

I love a good steak. Like, a serious Ruth Chris style steak. If I could, I’d probably eat at Ruth Chris every week, sometimes twice a week.

Medium Rare +, please.

What if somebody told you that you had to eat at Ruth Chris every day for the rest of your life? That sounds insane, right? I mean – what if you want something else? What if you just want a pizza? What if you really want some sushi to switch it up? No – you MUST eat at the same place every day for the rest of your life, till death do you part.

If I have a slice of pizza, it doesn’t mean that I don’t still love the steak, or that it’s my favorite, or that I want to spend the rest of my life eating the steak. Men crave variety. Men need to feel like hunters.

I understand that bullshit Judeo-Christian doctrine tells us that we are supposed to find one mate and stay with them for the rest of our lives. The funny thing is, Judeo-Christian doctrine actually DOES NOT tell us that: The church does. Dudes in the Bible banged anything that walked, had multiple wives, no biggie. The fact is that Western Civilization – more specifically the Americas are the only place in the world where the idea of monogamy is still widely embraced. So because a guy in a funny hat says so I am expected to circumvent 100,000 years of evolution and my own human biology now I have to pretend like I don’t want to have sex with women?

I don’t have game like this…

The problem arises when there is an inability to separate what is a realistic expectation for a functional relationship from what is SUPPOSED to happen. Women have an idea of what they think they “deserve” in a relationship, and that’s fine. I know a lot of people who can’t manage to make one relationship functional, let alone who are capable of dating multiple people at once. Some people are perfectly fine in their bubble and will lead completely happy and productive lives. Who am I to burst that bubble?

So where does that leave mankind? To “settle down” with a woman means to become a Lemming. It’s a life of parties you don’t want to go to and rules for things that you want to do but can’t. Relationships should be about compromise, but I don’t really think they should really involve a lot of sacrifice. When you start giving up who you are, you become unhappy. When you are unhappy, you have a tendency to make the people around you unhappy. I like making people happy, and I hate confrontation.

Women have a tendency to make this about them, and it has literally NOTHING to do with them at all. You could look like Giselle, fuck your man silly whenever he wants, cook, clean, and be the best girl on the planet: Your guy is still going to want to get blown by somebody else. Seriously – IT IS NOT YOU! It doesn’t mean you are a bad girlfriend, it doesn’t mean you didn’t do enough to keep your man happy, it doesn’t even mean that your man is a pig: That’s just the way we were made.

All of us.

All men.

I genuinely want someone to tell me why having sex with somebody else is such a sin to them. I want an actual compelling argument, and I’m serious. Tell me why if everything else about your relationship is perfect and your mate wants to have sex with somebody else that it trumps all of that happiness?

A lot of us have worked in restaurants at some point in our lives. Anyone have a “regular” that came in every day? Like, the guy comes in every day, orders the same thing, has the same routine. Does that guy ever seem happy? Does anyone say to that guy, “Hey, I know you enjoy the chicken fingers here at Applebee’s, but maybe you should try TGIFriday’s or something just to change it up?”

Well somebody should fucking tell that guy, because that’s just sad. There are some really good places to eat out there, and life is hardly worth living if you can’t sample what the world has to offer.