It’s been a long time since I’ve written a dating blog, but that used to be my bread in butter back in the bitter and jaded post-college days. Now that I am a bit older, wiser, and more well-adjusted I haven’t really felt the need to whine as much about the fairer sex. Let’s just call this a throwback, shall we?

Maybe I can offer some advice to Sean from 2008: It’s the little things, man. The weird thing is that a lot of times girls don’t remember the CUTE little things, but they’ll make a mountain out of a proverbial bad little molehill if the circumstance presents itself. I’ve never been the most expressive of people. I guess I’m no worse than most men if I was being completely honest, but have you MET most men? My frustration is that girls are supposed to be the ones who have this shit figured out, and they are often the ones completely oblivious to a man’s feelings. The prototypical “stupid girl” who walks around insecure, paranoid, and who can’t find a place of comfort in the relationship because she has a tough time communicating with boys.

She also doesn’t pick up on things that she should: Like the time he drove 2 hours to be waiting at your front door to surprise you for your birthday, or that time he didn’t want you to spend the anniversary of your parent passing away by yourself so he took you on a road trip, or when he learned your favorite song, even though he could barely sing it. The saying is that it’s the “little things that mean the most” but often the little things are either ignored, or the person is oblivious to the effort.

How can there be reciprocity if one person doesn’t realize the other is even trying? THAT is the real heart of a functional relationship and as always – it comes back to effective communication. Men (even smart ones like me) are not mind readers. We like positive reinforcement and acknowledgement. Do you have a dog? Good. Treat us pretty much like that, with slightly more blowjobs, and slightly less poop in plastic bags.

Here’s another newsflash: Dating doesn’t exist anymore. Sorry girls. If you want to go on a date, you better have your date hitch a ride with Marty McFly and pick you up back in 1955 back when that shit still happened because in the ’13, it doesn’t go down like that. The modern woman needs a sexting resume ready to go with no less than 5 camera ready shots and let’s be honest: It’s tits or GTFO. You can still keep it classy.

Or you can just have a rack like that. Either way.

Do you know why men prefer younger women? It’s not because they are more attractive, (I mean, they ARE) it’s because they are less complicated. They listen, they are eager to please. Think the same dog analogy: They just want you to be happy and love them. After all, you are just replacing their absent father. Women are like God damned trees now as they age – but instead of another ring around the trunk, every year they get one more hoop that a guy has to jump through to get in her pants.

And isn’t that the goal 9 times out of 10? We’ve set up this nice barter system in America where traditionally a woman gets a nice dinner, some booze, lots of compliments, and in return – some poor sap gets an Old Fashioned in the front seat of his Volkswagen Passat (And let’s be honest if the dude is driving a VW, all he deserves is a dry handy).

Look, I’m not calling you a ho because you let guys take you out to dinner only for you to supply the Happy Ending. My point is that even that amount of structure rarely exists in dating for people under 30 anymore. Oh on a sidenote: This fake outrage that women have over sex on the first date? Stop it. You aren’t fooling anyone. It’s stupid.

Let me put it like this ladies: You would be mad if you showed up for a first date and the guy EXPECTED that he was going to sleep with you, right?

So then let me ask you this: Why is it ok for you to show up to that same date and EXPECT NOT to sleep with him? Aren’t you BOTH walking into the evening with pre-conceived notions about what SHOULD and SHOULD NOT happen?

I’m off on a tangent now, but it’s 3am and I’m riffing. I honestly was laying in bed trying to sleep and for some reason this is what popped into my head. VERY random for where I am in life right now, but I figured it was a good departure from writing about abortion rights and gun control. As for me? I’m not that hard to keep happy. If nothing else, I’m pretty direct and straightforward with what I like. What you choose to do with that information is up to you. I’ll say this: The anti-social time that I’ve recently had has done wonders for my health, so I’m going to keep doing that anyway.

In summary my advice is this: When a guy takes the time to do something little, it’s a big fucking deal. Pay attention, you dumb broads.

Sean Kemmerer is a freelance writer, administrator of Politics Without The Crazy Pills, can be followed @Walkofshameband, and still proudly has his 2006 Delta Zeta “Big Man on Campus” People’s Choice trophy sitting on his bookshelf.