I came across this article from Cosmopolitan.com in my Facebook feed, and felt the immediate need to retort. Ladies, you are going to think some of this is a bit harsh but if you are honest with yourself, you know that I speak the truth.

The author of the piece, Anna Breslaw, writes that women should never feel “obligated” to blow a guy. Anna also has probably had more cats than boyfriends, so I don’t know what qualifies her to write a column about sex.

I have some answers for the women out there who might agree with this column. Believe me, this is for your own good. Men are not complicated creatures and sometimes, a blowjob could save a life.

My comments are in RED.

1. He’s being a dickhead to you. Don’t reward that behavior.

Right off the bat, Anna wants you to treat your man like a puppy who pissed in the house, or a child who wants a candy bar.  I don’t have to use my degree in Psychology to realize that this is just not how to approach a grown man.  Instead, ask WHY your man is being a dickhead?  Did he have a bad day at work?  Is he upset with something else?  Is there something that YOU could do to cheer him up?  Hey!  How about a blowjob!?

2. You don’t feel like it. Obviously.

I’m pretty sure there is a term for this.   Wait… Yeah…  “Sexual Assault.”  Way to go out on a limb there, Anna.  Ladies, don’t let a guy force his cock into ANY of your orifices without expressed permission.  Also, don’t forget to drink water or you’ll die.  Obviously. 

3. He won’t return the favor. According to a poll we took, 70 percent of you have gone out with a guy who expected oral sex but wouldn’t give it in return. Be honest with yourself and admit you’d rather date a Nickelback fan than that dude.

What kind of closed-minded and narrow view of reciprocity do you have?  It has to be “I’ll do you, if you do me?”  What if women were able to find give-and-take in the relationship elsewhere?  Maybe he took the garbage out, changed your oil, and went to that shitty musical just because he knew it would make you happy.  Now, how can YOU return the favor?  Good relationships are built around doing things to make the other person happy.  Do you want your man to be happy?  Does your man make YOU happy?  Would smacking around his cock and balls make HIM happy?  There ya go.  A wise poet of my generation once wrote, “Cause in the 69 my humpty nose will tickle your rear. ”  Oh, and LOL at #2 being “You don’t feel like it” but if the MAN says he “doesn’t feel like it” it’s not the same?  Solid logic.

Rumor is, he once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

Rumor is, he once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.

4. Too much hair. Just because he doesn’t have a clitoris you need to find does not mean you ordered a hair salad with this sexual encounter.

What kind of jungle-bush are you dealing with where you had to wade through to find the clitoris?  Look, it’s 2014 and most guys are generally up to speed on the man-scaping.  If they aren’t, there is a really easy way to fix it.  You say, “Hey, if you trim your junk, I’ll put it in my mouth.”  Men aren’t that complicated.

5. Smell. Shower required.

Again, what kind of inconsiderate dudes are jamming their rancid dicks in your face?  It’s common courtesy.  The fact that you felt compelled to mention this as some sort of sexual dealbreaker strikes me as odd.  I mean, I generally run a few miles, then play some basketball and sit in those sweaty clothes for a few hours playing Call of Duty before I even TRY to get a girl to blow me.  Am I doing it wrong?

6. It’s uncircumcised and it freaks you out. You are under no obligation to put your mouth on a penis that you regard as alien and unusual in any way.

Well, at least you aren’t coming off shallow here.  I mean, I know guys who break up with girls because they are left-handed, or have small boobs, or have weird political views.  Oh, and if they are dating girls who bitch and moan every time they try to get oral.  

7. If he’s pushing your head down. The worst.

Look, some girls need guidance.  I’m by no means advocating grabbing someone and forcing them down on you (See Assault, Sexual) but believe it or not – Some girls just aren’t good at giving head.  I know, I know… NO guy has ever told you that.  I’m SHOCKED at the girls who always say, “I know I’m good at it.  No guy has ever complained.”  Really?  The guy is supposed to complain?  While his dick is in your mouth?  Sometimes you need some help in getting us off.  Don’t forget to lick the balls.  Blowjobs are like pizza – Even a bad one is still pretty good.  That doesn’t mean that it can’t be better. 

8. If your knees are super-sore from exercise class. That hour-and-a-half power vinyasa can really do a number on you.

Right, because the only way to blow a guy is bare-kneed on a concrete floor.   We are on #8, and you are already getting pretty flimsy here, Anna.

9. If you’re too tired. In the words of Mahatma Gandhi Samantha Jones, “They don’t call it a job for nothing.”

It’s funny that you mentioned a great Indian leader, and how “They don’t call it a job for nothing.” because just like a job, YOU can be outsourced.  Keep refusing to go to work, ladies.  Guess what?  There is some bright-eyed 21 year old who just got out of college who would LOVE to have your spot.  She’s younger, she’s easy to train, and she doesn’t bitch about doing her “job.”

10. If your meticulously-applied matte lipstick looks awesome. Besides, he won’t be psyched about having a red ring around his peen afterwards.

There is nothing worse than having to take a shit right after you get out of the shower.  That’s kind of the same thing, right?  

11. If you’re only doing it because you feel like it’s required foreplay. Obligatory sexual acts are generally not fun for anybody. And even if it is fun for him, screw it.

Yeah!  Screw it!  Who wants to do things in bed that your partner likes?  Oh that’s right…  Good lovers.

12. If he starts doing that thrusting thing down your throat and you’re not into it. Some people like to be gagged during blowjobs, but if you’re not one of them, just stop and wait for him to notice you’ve stopped. It’s the “Third grade teacher holding up her hand in a noisy classroom until all the kids are silent” technique.

Again, NOTHING gets my dick hard like having a girl condescend to me like I’m a 3rd grader.  What are your cats names, again?

13. When it looks like something is wrong with his penis, STD-wise. But I hope I don’t have to tell you that.

You don’t, Anna.  But you did.  Does this look infected?

kane_alien_birth_closeup

 

14. When you’re annoyed with him for any reason. The moment you sublimate your annoyance in favor of sex (not in the “hot makeup sex” way, in the “lets just get this over so we can watch Modern Family in frosty silence” way) is the moment a relationship starts to shrivel and die like a salt-slug.

I couldn’t agree more.  Every argument should go on forever.  You go ahead and stay annoyed.  After your guy leaves, you can explain to your cats how you won the fight, and then binge watch another show on Netflix through your tears of eternal loneliness.  

15. When you have stuffy nose. When blowjobs turn dangerous!

FINALLY!  A VALID CONCERN!  It only took you to #15, but you got there!  Look, from a selfish standpoint, it’s not hot to have a girl suffocating on your penis.  I appreciate the effort, but if part of foreplay has to involve you using a neti pot – Maybe we can just cuddle and watch House of Cards tonight.

16. In the shower. There is a reason that “waterboarding” is an official torture technique.

I’m pretty sure Anna has some sort of choke-sex fetish.  Worried about gagging in the shower, with a stuffy nose, the “thrusting down your throat” one.  Half of these seem to be either about your desire to get choked in bed, or your terrible gag reflex.  Either way, I’m worried about you.

17. If he demands that you swallow. Deciding to swallow yourself is all good. But a guy who expects it of you is pretty uppity.

Here’s a little known secret:  Most guys don’t give a shit if you swallow… Although it is scientifically proven to be good for you.  Once the semen has left us, we really don’t feel any emotional attachment to it.  I don’t care what you do with it, as long as you brush your teeth before you try to kiss me.  I know where your mouth has been, you filthy girl.

18. You ask him to wear a condom and he refuses. Whether you use a condom during a blowjob is a personal decision, but if he won’t wear one after you’ve made it clear that you want him to, that’s a dealbreaker.

Unless you are in Vegas and refuse to pay the extra $20, or at some seedy massage parlor, nobody is giving blowjobs with a condom on.  Is it a dealbreaker, Anna?  If a girl told me that she wouldn’t blow me unless I wore a condom, I’d respectfully laugh in her face and walk away.  That’s just my personal decision, just like it is your personal decision to be alone forever.  Hey, safe sex is serious business, but what are you doing blowing a guy if you don’t trust his cleanliness?  I’ll be sure to throw down a dental dam the next time I go down on a girl, and see how offended she is when I tell her I’m just making sure that her pussy isn’t going to poison me.  I’m nothing if not a hopeless romantic.

 

In closing, I really hope that most women do not have such a terrible view of sex, or of how men act in general towards it.  Stop overthinking this.  Stop making terrible 18-point lists about how to justify women NOT being attentive to what their guy wants.  How about you focus on trying to make your partner happy, and find a partner who is willing to do the same for you?  I don’t hire a 400 pound personal trainer to get in shape – You probably shouldn’t listen to a moderately-attractive-at-best bitter and jaded columnist about how to conduct yourself in the privacy of your own relationship.  Do what works for you.  Do what works for him.  For the love of God, don’t forget about the balls.

Thanks for reading,

Sean Kemmerer is a freelance writer, administrator of Politics Without The Crazy Pills , and seriously… it’s a three piece set. Mind the stepchildren.

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